Sunday, November 13, 2011

Where to Begin

I have completely failed at documenting Hadley's life. Before she was born, I was convinced that I would be filling out her baby book daily-furiously documenting every day of her life. I haven't, not even close. In order to fill in the entries, I will have to review over a year's worth of facebook statuses. Despite that failure, there are a few things that I'm pretty sure I will remember all the days of my life...Hadley is an amazingly easy baby with a sweet spirit and cheerful disposition, she moves ALL. THE. TIME, and I love her so much it hurts.

I'm often torn between wanting to have a conversation with her to find out what she thinks and wishing away this time that is already flying by. Parenthood is amazing and exhausting, and I'm sure as she gets older the more exhausting it will get. We are so blessed because Hadley is relatively healthy-she meets/exceeds her milestones, she has a great vocabulary, her problem solving skills look like they will be more like J's and less like mine (thank you Lord), and she doesn't have any life threatening problems. But, the chronic ear infections, URIs, and such are getting old. This week we have a surgery scheduled, 2 in less than 8 months. I'm not thrilled, but I think this is necessary. Unfortunately, we are having trouble moving air and that could stand between us and surgery Thursday-its a little stressful, we're ready to be past this.

I've been thinking lately about how quickly time passes and how it is almost cruel to think that we are turning the calendar toward the last month of 2011. I graduated high school 10 years ago this past May and college 6 years ago. It is amazing to me to think that I've been Baylor Alum longer than I was a Baylor student. I feel 'right out of college' and I'm definitely not. I'm thankful for the changes in my life (good and bad) that have brought me to this season. I've learned a lot and grown a lot, but I still have lots of growing to do. We were in Waco last month for a special event. It was wonderful and I'm so glad we were able to go. But, I was reminded of the person I was as student. I was so passionate about so many things and was involved in amazing outreach, effective ministries, and felt so fulfilled by it all (in most areas of my life). I made mistakes that I'm not proud of, but definitely have seen how all of it has shaped me into the wife, mother, and person I am today. Good and bad, its all there. A huge part of me wants to dive right back into the ministries I served, do the things I did back then. But then I look at this beautiful little face that is beyond thrilled to see me come pick her up from school and hear the "Mama!" come out of that tiny little mouth. Its then I know that which I'm passionate about outside of my home can wait for the time that I mold this child with passionate purpose as her mom. One of these days, I'll get back to my roots. But, now is my time to comfort, play, and baby hold (okay, baby chase). Someday soon the ear infections, fevers, breathing treatments, and all of the antibiotics will be in our rear view mirror and there will be more that I can give elsewhere.

Can I also just say that I miss Brinkley like crazy? After we got home from vacation in August, we started a month long journey with the beag. I know he was just a dog, but I'm pretty sure I won't ever fully get over this. For the better part of a decade he was my constant. Brinkley was the one 'person' in my life that was happy to see me regardless of how I looked, smelled, or what I had done that day, he was a bed warmer, and the joy of my life covered in fur. Its been almost two months since I laid nose to nose with him on the floor of the "comfort room" at the vet's office. He was so sick and it happened so fast. I'm quite sure I left a part of my heart in that room with him. I find myself looking at other dogs, trying to find one to bring home. But, it doesn't feel right (I know it will in time). I don't want another dog, I want Brinkley back. I want the comfort of knowing that I know all about him and he knows all about us. He had us trained and he knew how we roll in this house. Somedays I have to remind myself that he won't be waiting for me when I get home. Today was one of those days, so was yesterday. I think it boils down to realizing that everything I learned about parenting I learned from a beagle. That should be scary, but it really isn't.